The Sovereign

It wasn’t really supposed to have turned out this way. The days and weeks had somehow turned into years and then decades. One decision led to another, and before one knew it, the moments had stacked themselves neatly into bygone calendars.

Listening to the small crackles of the fire on a January afternoon, there was no sadness, perhaps an infinitesimal regret, but not wholesale dismay. Because of that, she decided to attempt to write it down. After all, isn’t that what authors do – write? Instead of fiction, this time it would be a story of reality and of truth, as she had walked it.

Life had not really prepared her for the big, wild world outside the sleepy farm where she had grown up. College was a bit of a rude awakening, with its excesses and “no holds barred” lack of moral compass. The parameters suddenly went missing, leaving a wide-open field of hedonism. It wasn’t pretty. It left her vulnerable and seeking.

One night, as she lay in her bed in her dorm room, she grew suddenly and deeply terrified. She knew if she were to die, Hell was looming – jaws gaping and moving in her direction. Rather desperately, she prayed that God would help her. Surprisingly, He did.

What was truly remarkable was that even when things did not at all work as she had hoped, prayed, expected, envisioned…she knew God was still with her. Even when she didn’t deserve it. Even when she was less than what she was called to be. If there was one thing in her life she had learned and consistently experienced was that God is faithful because He is faithful – not because we deserve it.

Now there are dreams that have dimmed, but not altogether waned. There are songs yet unwritten and hopes lying in secretly stashed envelopes tightly sealed.  They are tucked discreetly in the recesses of the heart labelled, “do not open”. They are not Pandora’s Box, but close.

There were many root-shaking milestones along the way that tested – not hers – but the tenacity and creativity of God. It is funny how one can look at things in the heat of the moment, as if the decision is ours and ours alone. It is not. If we have truly given ourselves to our Sovereign, then the protection is His and His alone to afford. We are the mere recipients. And that is vastly preferable. He is able to take care of those who call on Him. The temporal “no” may, in fact, be a “yes” in the eternal. It just may take time for the traveler to recognize these facts.

So, what happens when the commonplace – the typical, the “norm” that people characterize in this thing we call life is not part of one’s experience? What is one to think? To feel? To do? There are many, many lessons in the Bible of people grabbing the proverbial bull by the horns and attempting to wrestle it into position from a human perspective. Typically, this strategy does not work very well, as she could easily tell you.

Today, as she looks out the window to an endless blue Texas sky, she knows the hidden things are revealed and emblazoned before her holy and immutable God. The One who sees everything. The One who understands and loves beyond reason and offers Himself as a ransom. A ransom! The very pain, anguish and profound disappointments that have at times swirled, darkening to the horizon have been transacted “paid” by the flawless blood of Christ.

For her.

She bows down, undone by such a vast and beautiful love. A caring, involved, intimate love from the Sovereign’s heart to her own.

And she is once more made new.